Show Up

May 27th 2019.

I don't think anyone knows. I don’t think we have all the answers. I don't believe that we are meant to have all the answers. We learn as we grow. I think all we have to do is show up.

Just show up.

Be the best version of yourself and let God take care of the rest. 

Life will have its ups and downs but i am thankful for a God who remains constant. A God who never changes.

However, we change. And i think that we are meant to. We are supposed to change and grow and live. All the while, becoming our best selves, so we can show up better tomorrow than we did yesterday.

So no i might not have all the answers... but i think we have to show up.

Show up for your family.

Show up for friends.

But most importantly…

Show up for yourself.

Embracing Change

Growth is essential in life.

We need it to better ourselves and to build character.

However.. Growth is not always comfortable. This morning i woke up with a panic attack.

I woke up with a panic attack because change was knocking at my door and i didn't want to answer.

Change was prying at the door to open but i held it shut.
With every knock I heard, I felt anxious like the butterflies in my stomach. Anxiety has taken over my brain once before but this time it was different.

I haven't been anxious in a while before this episode so anxiety decided to revisit me.

My brain got confused and declared that i was sick, which explains the stomach ache.

Ever since i was 13 i had to battle with anxiety. Now, it's gonna be different.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of fear because it’s boring and doesn't get you anywhere.

Fear only makes you dwell on things and does not allow you to take action.

I’ve been there. Done that.

This time it's going to be different. Yes it hurts.

The fire is burning and it hurts like hell. Sometimes i gotta go through the fire to realize how strong i am. I’ve been through this before and every time i came out strong.

I came out standing victorious. Yes, so many people are scared but only a few are fearless. Which one will i be? Which one will i choose? As I stood up from my bed, I wiped away my tears and I let fear fall to the ground.

I opened the door and embraced change.

Don't Let The World Change You

Ever since you were young, they tried to stop you. Their voices one by one, slowly slowly, began to  destroy your spirit. They tried writing your story. They stole your pen and scribbled down whatever they thought you should do or whoever they thought you should become. They filled your head up with lies, with their opinions, which should've been completely meaningless to you, but it crushed you. Because what if  they were right? What if they could be right? I mean it all makes sense. Right?

Not necessarily....

You are here for a purpose, and only you can fulfill that purpose. Only you can write your story. They might have stolen your pen and they might have stolen your voice, but it's up to you know. It's always been up to you. The pen is in your hands. Write something. Anything. Dream something. Anything. Make something.

Anything...

Now yes, their voices might get louder. Their lies might seem ever more true but it's not up to them. It's up to you. They can't take that away from you. You're gonna grow up and you're gonna want to change the world. Change the world, just don't let the world change you.

Not My Reality

I lay awake in the dark. I can't sleep because if I do, I fear my dream will eat me alive. That's how I often feel. That this dream, this obscure thought will leave me heartbroken. It'll take so much of me that I will remain empty. I will have nothing left.

That is why I dream with my eyes open. Because when i'm awake.. when I'm awake reality keeps me in check. Reality never disappoints.

But reality is also very boring. While it's realistic it can also be unrealistic at the same time.

It's reality, but it's not my reality.

This Is The Dream

When i was 15 i thought i could change the world. Maybe even cure cancer. I know what you're thinking.. This girl is crazy! ( You're maybe right.. Ha!) Yeah i didn't know what i was thinking and i probably needed a reality check, but nevertheless it was kind of a dream. I didn't know how i was going to change it, i just knew that i was going to. Period. Then, I turned 19 and reality started to sink in. I realized that changing the world isn't as easy. Changing people's lives isn't as easy. It's almost close to impossible (but also not.. You know what i mean. :P). So here i am. 19 years old and don't know what the heck i'm gonna do with my life. I also just finished my first year in college and am majoring in literature.

Want to know what people's first remarks are when i tell them that? All they do is nod their heads and proceed to ask me "What will you do with that in the future?" Hold up. The future? Come on. i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow and you want me to tell you what i'm gonna do in the future? Honestly, because literature is a "different" degree then what they would usually go into they are afraid of it. It's unusual.

Oh what? Just because i didn't decide to go into marketing or the sciences does not mean that i will not be "successful" in the future. No. (Not bashing on the sciences or business majors out there. The world needs you too) You never know what the future holds. It's society's fault honestly. Im not saying money is a bad thing.. I mean we need money to survive of course, but money isn't the only thing that i want to achieve in life. I want to do more. Might sound cheesy but i do believe that there is so much more to life then the amount of cash that sits in my bank account.

However, there are nights that go sleepless because i worry about the choices i made leading up to this point in my life. Do i really think that majoring in literature will benefit me in the long run? Will i have a stable career in the future? The what ifs start to sink in and my anxiety starts spiraling out of control. Am i crazy to think that i can actually do this? That I can prove everyone wrong? Am i hyping this up in my head?

And then i remind myself that i should do this because i believe that the arts are important. I believe that storytelling and poetry can change lives. I believe that i will achieve this because when i saw my literature teacher last week she asked me if i was still taking literature because 25% of the literature students from last semester dropped out of the program. Yup.. Still here and I'm not going anywhere. I believe I will get there because whenever i sit in one of my literature classes i'm actually excited to learn.

I found something i'm passionate about and yes i might not know exactly what i'm gonna do with it, or where it's going to lead me in the future, but i kinda wanna stick around to see where this goes. I wanna see what happens. I have a feeling in my bones that i am meant to do this. Because even thought i don't know what my dream is exactly i still believe in it. There's a voice inside urging me to "Never stop.. Keep going. Something good is going to come out of this."  I'm gonna trust the process.

A Work In Progress

I’ve always loved structure. I may not be the most organized person ever, but I do like knowing what’s next or what’s going to happen tomorrow. I like knowing what to expect. However, in life you don't always have a plan.  You can’t always know what’s going to happen next. You can’t predict the future. As much as I want to know what’s going to happen in my future, I can’t. Sometimes it gets really frustrating, because I think that others have it all together and they have a game plan, but I'm all wrong. We don’t always know what to expect and that’s okay. It’s fine. It can be scary, but just because you don’t have a goal, dream or a plan now, doesn’t mean you won’t have one tomorrow or 3 days or even 5 years from now. Life changes and we evolve. We are going to change. My life is a work in progress. 

So, when someone asks you what you’re plan is, it’s okay to say “I don’t know.”  But in the end, everything will be alright. In the end, You'll be exactly where you need to be. 

//Jeremiah 29:11 \\

Not Just Yet

Now wait a second.

Let's analyze the situation first. Shall we?

Life is hard right now and you feel like quitting.

Your dreams seem so far out of your reach that they can't be achieved.  

It's too hard of a battle to fight.

Your strength is wearing out and you feel like you can't breath anymore.

So why not just quit?

Surrender and call it quits.

Go to sleep and call it a day.

Not just yet.

There has to be a reason as to why you still held on. Why you kept hoping and dreaming for that "someday". Why you kept working so hard. Why you came all this way.

Because it's worth it.

Your dream is worth it.

You won't let anything stand in your way because you are determined to succeed.

Prove them wrong.

Show them what you are made of.

It's going to be hard and you will break a sweat. Tears will be shed. There will be some sleepless nights, but it'll be worth it.

I promise.

After all it has to be.

Just because its a dream, doesn't mean its impossible. Nothing is impossible. You’ll never know unless you try it. If you tried it and you didn't succeed, then you can say that it was impossible.

Promise me something?

Promise me that you won't give up on it.

You won't give up on something that you are so passionate about. Something that your heart truly desires.

Keep it locked deep inside and don't you let anyone tell you that you are not able to fulfill that dream. When you  have finally succeeded, share it with everyone you meet. I think, a dream is worth sharing with people. Let them see you smile. Show them you were able. Show them that you did it. But until then and yes that day will come, keep chasing. Keep working hard. And never ever ever give up on that dream.

Promise me?